I'd like to make a couple of observations about men and their relationships with their cars. I realize that this is pretty risky subject matter for one guy to criticize another guy over, but if you can’t find it within yourself to laugh at someone else, then you’re probably the one being laughed at.

I’m a little confused about the phenomenon of guys buying these shitty little Civics and Hyundais and such and then spending thousands of dollars making them look like shitty little cars with lots of stuff bolted to them. You’ve got your spoilers large enough to double as a flap on a 727. You’ve got $2000 worth of custom mag wheels on it. You’ve got it lowered so that your undercarriage is damaged every time you hit a bump. You’ve got neon lights underneath it so that you look like a shitty little car trying to imitate a UFO. You put tons of stereo gear in the trunk so that I can sit in traffic and watch your windows pulsate, as well as my own mirrors vibrate while you blow your hearing out with what sounds like tribal chanting and drumming of some kind. And in one of the more annoying recent developments, they’re putting these oversized, loud mufflers on these crap cars. I guess we’re supposed to look over when we hear this thing going by and say "Man, I’ll bet that Hyundai is one fast mother. I’ll bet that spoiler keeps him from getting airborne at supersonic speeds, too". What am I missing here? Why not just apply all that money that you’re spending on accessories and buy a real car? I guess it’s always been that way to some degree, but it was stupid back when it was being done to Pintos - Ford’s original disposable car.

I readily admit that I was never much of a car guy. I mean, I like them as much as anyone, but all I’ve ever asked is that it start when I get in, arrive where I aim it, and offer up a backseat when necessary. I have never been obsessed with making a statement with my wheels. So I am really taken aback by this business with brand loyalty. No, not just loyalty. It’s more like warfare. Do you know what I’m talking about? Have you seen these dudes in their Ford pickups with a sticker of Calvin pissing on a Chevy logo? Or the ever-original Calvin pissing on a Ford logo? What is that all about? Where did this rivalry come from? Do these guys actually have fights over "My Truck is better’n yours!" ? These stickers are usually strategically positioned between a NASCAR sticker and another one saying " My kid beat up your honor roll student" or something equally cerebral. And just so that you don’t think I’m biased, Chevy made disposable cars, too. Remember the Vega? I had a Vega. A bonafide piece of shit. Bought it for $300, drove the piss out of it, and sold it for $300. Best car deal I’ve ever been involved in.

And it could blow the doors off any stinking Pinto.